


Voldemort's Eighth Horcrux - A Present For Emma

by Spikyowl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Shrek (Movies), anime - Fandom
Genre: Ham and mint sauce is really weird joe, for emma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spikyowl/pseuds/Spikyowl
Summary: I originally wrote this as a present, but I thought I'd share it. Look at Carry On Dark Lord, it's a lot better than this drivel. Have fun





	1. Chapter 1

Hogwarts - 1940s

Tom Riddle was jiggling with anticipation. He would be meeting Albus Dumbledore for a job interview in just a few moments, and he was full of excitement. He stared around the head's office that he liked so much. Moving paintings of previous headmasters and mistresses looked down at him, frowning from the gold and red walls. 

"How dare you frone at mich!!!!" Tom said, Tom gave them the finger and then he took out his wand. He directed it at his hand.

"Engorgio" he whispered. The paintings looked down in horror as Tom's middle finger swelled to the size of a large meat. He reversed da spell.

All of a sudden the door swung open; a tall man swept into the room, magenta robes billowing out behind him. Silver beads and decorations hung in his shiny white beard, gently clinking together as Albus Dumbledore made his way to Tom.

Tom aka VOLDEMART leant back in his seat, pretending to be relaxed when really all he wanted to do was dance like that bloke did. Do you need me to be more specific? Too bloody bad, you'll never know, you wank stain.

"Yo - er - hello Dumbledore" said Vol.

"Hello Tom, good to see you again" said Dumbledore smiling slightly.

"I'll get right to the point," said Voldemort "I would like to come back to Hogwarts and teach some things that i know." Said Voldemort.

"Ah," said Dumbledore "I always knew that you would like to come back to my school to teach-"

"SEX ED" yelled tim

"Defence agains- WOT?" Dumbledoo sed "you wanna teach sex ed?"

"Yeh. I've learnt LOTS about SEKS. With my good friend Lucious Malfoy (Emma he's harry potter's rival's dad, he's a snooty rich racist twat whos bffs w vlodemor)

"Oh ok. I wasn't going to let you teach dark arts because you're an evil guy, but I don't see why you shouldn't be able to teach some puberty people about wizard condoms and MSTDs (magical sexually transmitted doods). I wish someone taught me sex ed when i was at school, i probably wouldnt have got wizard herpes from Grindlewald (also a twat that dumbledore was friends with, Emma. He hated non magic ppl)" Dumbledore scratched his scabby lip with his elder wand. "Yeah you can teach for me."

"Wats the pay" said voldemort

"You get a butt-plug from my own collection every week." Said Dumbledore

"DEAL" said voldemort


	2. Chapter 2

Voldemort sunk back and relaxed in his comfy leather chair in his cozy little office a day later. He smiled without a nose, as he loved his room so much. Dumbledore had permitted him to decorate the walls with trinkets relating to his subject; needless to say there were dildos and all manners of sex toys glued to the walls. A few pictures of Lucius, Voldemort's lover, too. Tommy looked at his watch. Ten past nine!

"Agh i have to teach!!!" He said. Even though he had already had a vast full english for his breakfast, he grabbed a piece of toast from the toaster and put it in his mouth - like a schoolgirl in an anime. Voldemort ran down the staircase like a total weeaboo cunt. He reached the classroom. "Konichiwa class!!!". Around half of the sixth year classroom grunted in response.

"Fucking weeaboo." Said some 1. Voldemort killed him and threw his corpse out of the window where it fell and splat on ground. The class had stopped caring as this happened at least once every lesson

"TODAY weel learn about-" tom was interrupted when Dumbledore burst in! 

"Heres ya paymet for today" said the old man, thrusting an ornate silver shrek butplug on him!! Voldemort dismissed the class and fell to the floor sobbing at the bum dummy's beauty. Dumbledore left out the ceiling. 

Voldemort curled up for maybe 3 days on the hard wooden floor, sobbing and observing his prize. It was about 7 inches long, silver and had our lord and saviour's face on the end. 

"HEY! I HAVENT EVEN PUT IT UP MY SNAKE BOTTOM YET!" Voldemort said. And he did that. He grasped the bottom of the plug, and then his own bottom and shoved it up his bum. He could feel Shrek's ears pressing into his rectum walls. SUDDENLY A TALL FIGURE APPEARED IN A PUFF OF GREEN SMOKE! As the fog cleared, Shrek stood before him, large green hands resting on his chubby muffin tops. A scent of onions filled the air. Voldemort screamed with delight! "MY LORD AND SAVIOUR!" He squealed, rising to his knees and welcoming the deity.

"You are not worthy of having my face up your rectum you bald no-nosed dickhead." Shrek said in his beautiful, rich Scottish accent - "BOTTY JUIS!" 

"B-but why Shrek Senpai?! IM YOR BIGEST FAN!" Voldemort sobbed.

"Cause ur almost as bad as Trump, you fuckin wanker." Shrek said wisely.

"Oh ok." Said Voldemort. 

Harry Potter walked in. Shrek launched himself out of the window, but missed. 

"What the fuck is going on?" Harry said, "What the fuck are you doing here Voldemort?!" 

"I work here u fucking scumbag" said voldemort

"Why I thought you were fuckin busy doing wizard nazi stuff!" Harry said, "what do you fucking teach anyway?"

"fucking potions or summat" voldem said

"You're a fucking idiot, Dumbledore stopped doing sex ed years ago because the fucking perv that taught it became a super penis man and started a 'we hate muggles' club." Harry said.

Oh! Voldemort's buttplug had made him time travel into the future! 

"You're a dick, I'm gonna kill all your parents, and your godfather, and the majority of your friends! And also that really hot guy who teaches potions." Voldemort said, poking his finger back up his botty and time travelling back to the forties. He went back into his office and pulled his new prized possession out, he put it in a special case on the mantlepiece and went down to dinner.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi im here for dinner" said Voldemort without a nose. He walked to the staff table and sat his sore botty down on the cold wooden bench. "MY ARSE!". Voldemort picked up a ham sandwich with mint sauce. 

"Want some parsnip?" Asked the bloke who sat next to the bald man.

"Sure ok" said volxemt, throwing his strange sandwich to the ground, taking a parsnip and chomping it only to discover that it was actually a penis! "Ugh wtf this is a penis not a parsnip."

"hahaha!!" Said the bolke. He took his mask off and it was.... HARY POTTER!! "I made you eat a dismembered penis coz u thought it was a parsnip!"

"Ugh thats out of order m9" sed volxmort and he punched harry in the face and harry cried cause he's a little wimpy cunt. The punch made harry go away. He time traveled or sumting. "UGN IM BORED. IM GONNA GET DRUNK AND smoke WEEDS" 

Voldemort made his way back up to his fucking weeaboo office with yiff art and hentai and buttplugs all over the walls. He grabed his naruto bong, and a bottle of warm Sake. SUDDENLY SNOOP DOOG CAME OUT OF HIS BONG LIKE SOME SORT OF WEED GENIE! 

"smoke weed everyday" said snoop. He reached for the sacred silver shrek bum dummy.

"Pleas don't touch that, Snoop, i need it for... Things" said voldemort.

"Oh okay sorry." Said snoop dogg "if u like it so much, why dont you put your soul into it? Like a horcrux?" 

Voldemort agreed and snoop left. He took the artefact from the secure case and put it in his robe pocket. He looked at his 5 seconds of summer clock in his office and realised he was late to his afternoon lesson, again! Voldemort ran as fast as his sagging grey skinny pixie legs would carry him to his classroom.

"Konichiwa class!" Said voltemort.

The pupils rolled their eyes, tutted, and sighed. They were flipping sick of being taught by this terrible weeaboo, it was bad enough getting taught by hagrid, but Professor Riddle too? 

"Get your books out, today we'll be reading Boris Johnson's autobiography: How To Be a Fat Blond Twat." Riddle-San said.

"Sir, can't we learn something new today instead of just reading about your favourite celebrities?" Said a smart boy with pigtails.

"Fuck off" sed voldemort.

The class worked in silence for a quarter of an hour before a sudden large bang from the ceiling disrupted everybody. Voldemort was very frightened. What if it was that twat harry potter making bangs trying to ruin his sex life!? He leapt up the castle stairs, three at a time, puffing with every movement. A lot of normal Nancys and simple Simons glared at him, but voldemort just poked them in the eyes. He finally reached the top of the staircase where the bang had commenced. What sat at the top of the stairs was the most wondrous sight tom had ever seen. 

A small hovering ball of light slowly rotated about 3ft off the floor; different rainbow colours danced across the damp stone walls. Voldemort swore that he could hear a voice calling his name from somewhere in the orb. It was a scottish accent too. He tried to launch himself in but a Scandinavian hand grabbed the back of his robes?!?!

"Don't go in there tom! It might be a trick!" Said Carl XVI Gustaf, the king of Sweden. "Oh wait." The king realised "I don't even care about you. Go if u want." and his majesty let go and voldemort fell headfirst into the spinning rainbow orb. It was like he was being flushed down the bog. 

"WEEEEEE!" Said voldemort as his legs were spinning as he went to lands unknown...


	4. Chapter 4

The Dark Lord's eyes snapped open. His head was against the cold stone ground. He looked around himself; he was in some sort of red-lit cavern. The smell of coppery blood didn't hit his nostrils coz he doesn't have a nose.

"Omg whrer am i?" Voldemort said in a really annoying American accent.

A deep voice echoed around him.

"You are in my inner sanctum" 

"Ok danke. Takk. Tack. Spasiba. Arigatto. And stuff." vol said in a variety of offensively bad accents. He stood up and had a wander about. The red cave he was in was about the size of a regular public toilet. But there were no toilets, sadly. In the centre of the room there were some sort of stocks with massive wrist and neck holes. Various weapons and torture devices lined the walls.  
"Ok what am i doing here?" He said

"You desire to create a horcrux, correct?" Said the deep, scottish voice.

"Yeh" said jesus. 

Heheh jk Voldemort said that.

"Yeh" said Voldemort.

"To make a horcrux you have to tear your soul."

"I KNOW, GOD" said tommy

"The only way to tear your soul is to kill the one you adore"

"Um hatsune miku isnt here right now." Said tom.

"I mean me you fucing bellend weeaboo twat" the voice echoed.  
Green fog descended from the ceiling.  
The scent of onions overpowered the stench of blood.  
The whole room was shaking.  
Allstar by Smashmouth started playing full volume.

The green fog swirled down from the ceiling onto the floor, getting thicker and more opaque as shrek's naked legs, then his naked torso, then his naked head, then his naked crotch appeared. It looked a bit like he was being printed. Voldemort-san gasped!

"K-kill you?" Voldemort stuttered.   
Shrek nodded, not breaking eye contact. The dark lord burst into shitty little tears.  
"I DONT WANNA KILL U SHREK SENPAI! Thats like jesus asking the pope to kill him or summat." 

"Wait, wait. I'm Jesus, right? So how are you the pope?" Shrek inquired.

"Pfft i dont know!" Voldemort giggled. 

Shrek walked over to the stocks and locked himself in. Voldemort took his prized possession dildo buttplug thing out of his robe pocket and stabbed it into sheks brain. The room filled with Shrek's screams as green blood splattered over voldemort's sallow face. Shrek died. Voldemort reached up his own bum and pulled out his ripped soul. He put it in his buttplug. 

"Yay! You know what this means!? It means that ill be immortal unless someone stabs my sex toy or summat!". He turned on the spot and teleported to his office. "Where should i hide my artefact?"

He paced up and down his weeaboo pervert office.

"Its got to go somewhere that's A: special to me, B: a place where no one would go near, and 3: a place that never sees any action." He thought a little harder until it hit him. "UP MY ARSE!!"

And they all lived happily ever after. Apart from all the people who Voldemort murdered lol.


	5. Epilogue

Shrek isn't dead, he was faking it. Don't cry. He's okay. See! Look he's waving at us! He's fine. He'll live, I'm sure! He's a-okay. He's still breathing. Shrek loves you.

The edn

PS Emma next time I'll write you a fanfic of something you're actually into. Hehe


End file.
